Parenting to Build Family Resilience

Parents and soon-to-be parents, here's one productive way to spend a Saturday!

You might want to consider attending this parenting talk by Dr. Honey Carandang with the country's leading psychologists, happening at the Henry Sy Auditorium of St. Luke's Global on February 27th, from 8 am to 4pm.

I think resilience is something that we and our kids ought to learn and take to heart. 

In this day and age where people feel suicide is an option in the face of hardship and struggles, it has to be stressed that the ability to bounce back from trying situations has to be ingrained in our mindset.

She touched upon this briefly at a BrainRX talk I attended recently (I'll tell you more about BrainRX soon!) where Dr. Carandang was the guest speaker, and her insights into parenting today, as well as her stories and practical tips and points of view are worth their weight in parenting gold. 

You'll have to attend this full day talk, for you to know what I mean. 

Try to go and invite your fellow parents too. Because as Dr. Carandang likes to say, "Parenting is Nation-building." Our country's future leaders might as well be living in our own households. Let's do right by them.

I might as well share with you this insightful article, The Secret Formula for Resilience, from The New Yorker. Great read! 

For more on Dr. Honey Carandang, the talk on Saturday, and the MLAC Institute, visit http://mlacinstitute.com

BetterMe: Attaining and Sustaining Loving Energy in the Family, Part 2

Continuing from Part 1, here's Part 2 of How to Raise Kids with Strong Character & Values:

6. Talk explicitly about your values and why they are important to you.

The values we stress on our kids will help them navigate situations that test them. Reinforce by saying, "The (your last name here) are kind/helpful/have integrity/ honest/trustworthy".

But we should also be prepared to help our children interpret how the world takes in that value. 

Sometimes, certain values are not "valued" by their peers, especially during the adolescent years. Take honesty for instance.  When classmates cheat in class, honesty may only ostracize the honest kid aka "squealer". We should also be ready to guide our kid on how to navigate situations like these without making them resent that value.

If the parents have different values, it's ok. It shows diversity and how other people will not always have the same values you do. What's important is the parents shows teamwork.

7. Talk about why you make certain decisions based on that value.

This is where stories and fables like Aesop's Fables come in. It is important to talk to our kids about why a particular value was incremental in making that decision. Stories hold power, they also make lessons easier to remember.

8. Resist lecturing.

It's so hard to hold back when you have all these ideas ready to spew out from your mouth in the form of a lecture, but hold it in! The best you can do is to ask your child, "What happened?" Sometimes, that's all a child needs, a parent's genuine concern. But this doesn't mean you just let things be.

Time the teaching moment when your emotions have settled down and you have processed the entire situation in an objective manner.

Coach Pia says we should share our own views sparingly unless the child is in harm's way. So in the case of non-negotiables (drugs, danger, accidents, etc) do not back off! Assert yourself.

9. Make it relevant to their world. Take it away from being theoretical.

Let's say you want to teach your kid independence.

A school project comes up and your child says, "Teacher said I should do this myself!"

Aha! The perfect situation to teach independence, right? 

So you let her do it herself. And when she proudly shows her self-made project to you, you summon all the self-control you have to resist the urge to fix that lopsided roof, that loose button, or that really awkward sentence in her school essay.

Yes, that's teaching them independence. You let them do it themselves, even if you can already see a C in the horizon. That project won't give them an A, and you accept that.

Put a premium on effort and enthusiasm. You can't teach independence via a story or by the book. You've got to let them stand on their own feet literally.

BetterMe: Attaining and Sustaining Loving Energy in the Family, was made possible by DMCI Homes and Lysol.

To keep the home full of love, make sure your home is not only stress-free but clean and healthy too! Lysol, a trusted champion of health, partners with mothers and homemakers in caring for the health & well-being of our families and homes.

BetterMe: Attaining and Sustaining Loving Energy in the Family, Part I

Don't you sometimes wish you were born into a different family?

I've had episodes when I was younger and wished that my parents were cooler, more supportive of my interests, more normal. 

I wish my Dad had a regular office job and went home every day (he was in the military and was away for stretches of time), I wish my mom liked to shop for clothes and shoes, and knew where to get the latest trendy sneakers and jeans (I had to ask Ate Carol, the cool older sister of our playmates/neighbors Juanlo and Miat), but she preferred home stuff (which bored me then but I totally get her now!).  I wish she'd send me off to school with a Cheez Whiz sandwich and Kool Aid, but I was always the one in school with a homemade cheese pimiento sandwich, raisins and freshly squeezed juice in my lunchbox.

Of course, I'd also wish that my siblings were more mellow, less high strung, more driven, more supportive, less noisy, etc. - basically, the opposite of whatever it was that irritated me about someone at the moment.

But as Desmond Tutu famously said, "You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." 

So ok, it's like we're stuck with them diba? You take the good with the bad. You look at the bright side of things. You appreciate what's nice about them. All those cliches.

While we can't change the family we are born into, the good thing is, we can always begin with the family we started. Because this time, we made the choice. 

Dada & I chose to be married to each other. We chose to have our kids. They didn't choose us, but well, we can always turn our family into the sort of family they'd be happy to be part of. The kind they won't be embarrassed about, haha.

That's the premise at least of our #BetterMe session with Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo last May 21 - Attaining and Sustaining Loving Energy in the Family which was held at Flair Towers by DMCI Homes in Mandaluyong.

Flair Towers at Reliance corner Pines Street, Highway Hills, Mandaluyong has a resort like feel, and is in fact a project of one of our fellow SoMoms - Mommy Fleur! She's an engineer at DMCI, in case you didn't know

Now that I am older, of course I know that it takes more than just cool to raise happy, well-adjusted kids who will grow up into mature, responsible and exceptional adults. 

As parents, the first thing that is required of us is to turn our home into the kind of sanctuary where our children feel safe and loved. They should be raised with strong character and values, because more than just education and material things, their character and values will allow them to navigate life's complexities on their own, even if we are long gone.

Really, those must have toys and trips abroad are really just the fancy fondant figures on the cake - nice to look at, but even without, doesn't detract from one's enjoyment of a deliriously delicious cake.

I have to warn you though, this is a lengthy post, so I will break this down into two parts. 

Everything I learned from the session is worth sharing, and so I will just run through each line quickly. If you want me to expound, feel free to leave a comment after this post! I'm happy to share my learnings.

How to Raise Children with Strong Character and Values:

1. Stop asking your child what he wants to do with his life. Start asking him who he wants to be.

Many parents are guilty of saying that - "Ano ba balak mo sa buhay?" or "What's wrong with you?" when a child does something disappointing. They will go on a lengthy tirade, maybe with a bit of crying on the part of the mom, sermon from the dad, which will all end up in well, nothing really. Maybe the kid just doing something equally disappointing again another time.

But a child takes her cue from her parents. If a parent is fragile, you can't expect the child to be strong.

Instead of approaching your child with worry on your face, be matter of fact. Say, "Anak, tell me what happened?" and open a discussion from there.

When you say words like, "What's wrong with you?", you are eating at their self-esteem. You are essentially saying "You are not meeting my expectations" and this is no way to raise a child.

2. Stop speaking to your child about a career. Talk instead about a calling.

Let's face it, we're fixated with careers: My kid wants to be a doctor, a lawyer, whatever. He'll be a businessman like me. I hope she gets that golf scholarship at Stanford so she can go into tech and start a company in Silicon Valley.

Coach Pia says we shouldn't focus so much on the career. Instead, encourage empathy, the willingness to help others, or whatever it is your child feels he can contribute to - take care of abandoned animals, stop bullying, etc.

We should enhance and encourage strengths. Say things like,"You learn so quickly", ""It's so natural for you to put things in order". Positive reinforcement, always.

3. Stop focusing on grades and start focusing on intellectual curiosity.

Coach Pia says, from babyhood to 7 years old, admire everything they do to heaven and back. Encourage them to be curious, to learn. It will become natural for them.

When they are of school age, do not focus on grades. Anyway, we all know by now that grades do not guarantee success in life.

My takeaway is, focus on the learning process. Encourage the joy of learning. Get them curious enough that they will get those grades that will get them into Harvard. But if they choose to drop out of Harvard to start Facebook or something, it's their choice.

4. Stop speaking to your kids about happiness - start speaking about purpose.

Happiness should be derived from having a sense of purpose. There are many things that are not happy about life, but builds character.

 So instead of saying, "You made me happy because ____", say "I am proud of what you did!

5. Stop emphasizing friends. Start emphasizing FAMILY.

This hit a nerve with me. Growing up, my family was and still is very social. Amongst us, we have hundreds of friends who weave in and out of our home, are part of family occasions and all that. But sometimes, I feel that individually, we spend more time with our friends than with each other. And that's something I want to change in my own family. I want us to spend more time with each other.

Coach Pia says that in this day and age, the ideal ratio of spending time with family to friends should be 5:1, to counteract the effects of technology.

But note that we are talking quality time, and not just spending time in one room, individually hooked to our gadgets ha!

To be continued...

BetterMe: Attaining and Sustaining Loving Energy in the Family, was made possible by DMCI Homes and Lysol.  Lysol recently launched new products - a line of anti-bacterial hand soaps and Lysol Disinfectant Spray for Baby's Room, which is guaranteed safe to use on baby's toys, cribs, strollers, potties, high chairs, etc. Even if the kids are all grown up, this is great to have around the house actually!

Parenting the Positive Discipline Way

My cousin Angel is inviting you all to a talk by her cousin, Kristine Averilla, a parenting educator, on Learning Parenting the Positive Disciple Way - A two-hour Experiential workshop for Parents, Teachers and Caregivers of young Children. The talk will be held at The Fifth at San Rafael Place in Kapitolyo, Pasig from 2 pm to 4 pm.

Positive Discipline focuses on teaching long-term parenting skills that will encourage children to think for themselves, become more responsible and have greater respect for themselves and others. Why learning positive discipline? Because it helps parents lead their families more effectively. Just like running an organization.

You may just drop by and register on the spot this Saturday, the fee is Php700 - inclusive of materials and snacks.

Parenting and Timing the Teaching Moment

In case this is your first time here in the blog, frequent readers, especially you mommies, would know about New Beginnings, the "mommy support group" I am a part of.

Here I am 5 weeks after giving birth, I just had to attend the 2nd parenting talk because of the valuable lessons I learn from Coach Pia and my fellow moms. Photo by Lawrence del Mundo

I just wanted to share with you a blog post I did for New Beginnings on Timing the Teaching Moment aka when is the best time to teach your kid a life lesson.

The insights I learned are life changing. I do remember exactly when and how my mom taught me tips or gave me advice that I still adhere to up to today. There really is a right time to have that "talk" with our kids, and I am sharing with you when, HERE.

Read and feel free to pass on to other parents you know! =)

PS - New Beginnings and Friso Mum is having a Belly Buddies Promotion, where you get to earn gifts from Mothercare, Rustan's and Mustela. Click HERE to find out more.